Feeling lost is just the first step to being found.
I find myself staring at my phone, unable to put my thoughts into words. There’s a heaviness in my chest, my breaths are short, and it’s as if life is showing me sides I never knew existed.
Growing older has brought with it an unsettling awareness of the world around me, a world that feels increasingly alien and devoid of the simple human connections I once took for granted.
Death used to be a shared sorrow, a time for gathering together, holding each other close, and cherishing the memories of those who have left us. But now, even in grief, we’ve been molded by a society that has lost touch with what it means to mourn.
I saw a man lying lifeless, and instead of tears or quiet reflection, his own family stood over him, taking pictures-images meant to be shared, posted, liked. They lost their dearest, and yet their first instinct was to document it for the world.
It’s not my place to judge them, but I can’t help but question what we’ve become.
This year has been a whirlwind of uncertainty, each moment, a new lesson, a new heartache. I tried to pen down “24 things I learned at 24,” but my hands were shaking, and all I felt was an overwhelming urge to scream.
The pain of being misunderstood, mistreated, and alone in my thoughts weighed heavily on me. Just when I thought I was beginning to understand my pain, life threw another cruel reality at me, a death, a stark reminder of how fragile everything is.
I miss my family. I miss my sister. I miss the feeling of having people by my side. And yet, there’s anger, confusion, and a sense of betrayal that I can’t quite shake. I’m lost between longing and resentment, unable to comprehend how life can be so beautiful and yet so unbearably painful at the same time.
I thought life was about chasing dreams, and this year, I’ve checked off so many of those dreams, but the emptiness remains.
There’s a fear that grips me, a fear of being unloved, of not belonging, of slipping into a darkness that feels impossible to escape. I have so much to say, so many thoughts swirling inside my mind, and yet here I am, paralyzed, struggling to find the words.
The world has changed, and maybe I’m changing with it, but right now, all I can do is sit with this pain and hope that somehow, through all the confusion and chaos, I’ll find my way back to myself.
But perhaps there is something to be learned in all of this pain, a quiet whisper amidst the noise that tells me to keep going. Maybe life is not about having all the answers or feeling whole every moment; maybe it’s about embracing the messy, uncertain journey we’re all on.
I don’t have it all figured out, and maybe I never will, but I’m starting to understand that it’s okay to feel lost, to grieve what’s gone, and to question the world around me.
For now, I’ll take it one breath at a time, holding on to the hope that somewhere, somehow, this tangled web of emotions will lead me to a place of peace.
eika©
EIKA 